I Don’t Mind Getting Old — I Just Don’t Want To Look Old

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

The words in the title were spoken by the actress Debbie Reynolds. I don’t mind getting old either. I’m already there, but I don’t like this looking old bit. I hadn’t planned to get old, and that’s why I didn’t bother with sunscreen or moisturizer. No, I didn’t plan on dying young either.

I remember the day I stood in front of the mirror, at the age of 26, thinking, I’ll always look like this. In those days, I couldn’t pass a mirror without stopping to admire my beauty. I avoid mirrors now except when I have to pluck whiskers out of my chin.

I never used skincare products except for that short time when I sold Mary Kay. The products are very good but expensive. I was in my early 50s and could pass for 10 years younger. I wish I had continued using Mary Kay, but I wasn’t planning on ever looking old so why bother?

I haven’t used makeup in years. Makeup and wrinkles are not friends. I periodically tell myself that I’m going to learn to apply makeup on this old face. There are some great tutorials on YouTube. I gather up my supplies, look in the mirror, and don’t know where to begin. Do I start with the drooping eyelids? The saggy jowls? The prune lips? Oh, to hell with it? Out of sight — out of mind. I won’t look in the mirror.

My mother had beautiful skin. She rarely went out in the sun. I remember her with Pond’s face cream slathered on her face. She wore it like makeup all day around the house. She never wore sleeveless tops or shorts. She didn’t like the sun. When she lay dying in a nursing home at the age of 94, the nurses commented on her beautiful skin.

I asked Mom, when she was in her early 90s, how she handled it when she realized she was losing her beauty. It almost killed me. It almost killed me. I thought that was so sad, but that’s about all she had going for herself. She was not a nice person and was an abusive mother. She suffered from severe depression and suffered unbearable tragedies.

Although I never laid out basking in the sun, I couldn’t avoid it in California. I also have seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I must have sunshine to feel good. During the summer the California sun is so intense you can feel it stinging your face while driving around in your car. That’s why the left side…